She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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