I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
