Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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