just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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