I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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