i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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