Whoa Z and x make the same sound
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
