apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
