who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
