I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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