she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
