did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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