I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
