and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
