just tell him i said nine months
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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