You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
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Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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