Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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