And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
