Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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