took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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