OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
