I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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