woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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