Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
