he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
