FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
