oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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