Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
