Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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