I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
