I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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