Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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