got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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