I just pynch a tree in the face
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
