remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
