In America we eat man semen.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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