you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
