tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
