my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
