last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
