My friends, they love my intelligence
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
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