If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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