I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
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I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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