My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
