i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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