I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
