I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
