the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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