Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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