Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
