So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
