woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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