Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
