Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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